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| HAMLET
Well, God-a-mercy.
LORD POLONIUS
Do you know me, my lord?
HAMLET
Excellent well; you are a fishmonger.
LORD POLONIUS
Not I, my lord.
HAMLET
Then I would you were so honest a man.
LORD POLONIUS
Honest, my lord!
HAMLET
Ay, sir; to be honest, as this world goes, is to be
one man picked out of ten thousand.
LORD POLONIUS
That's very true, my lord.
HAMLET
For if the sun breed maggots in a dead dog, being a
god kissing carrion,--Have you a daughter?
hamlet, the character, is a witty cynical little bastard. mr lilley, my english teacher, is hilarious because he, like hamlet, speaks in metaphors and flowing, figurative language. for example, in the last two class periods, he has mentioned both six inch boils in the groin, and ants raping elephants. what? i think billy shakespeare would approve.
so, you know how much of a loser i am? i composed a song earlier today, when i was dozing off on my bed. it goes "po' po'-po' Po....he's workin' for the man, maaaaaan." as in, a poor police officer named po who's stuck in a job of government authority when he really wants to be free to just, rock, man.
and you know what kinda amuses me and bugs me at the same time? gothic guys, or goth wannabe guys, who wear fangs, but the fangs are white, and their own teeth are yellow? so really, they're just drawing more attention to their general uncleanliness?
oh, and really fat bitches who have literally no ass. ones that wear tight ass bras which drive the adipose tissue directly over and under the strap, and pants so low and tight that their love handles hang right over....so that basically, their ass is concave. like, wow. bummer for them.
my bus driver's five year old son fits in this category as well. he's on the bus, waiting for me, ready to pounce like a monochromatic cheetah in full rocawear regalia...every single day at 2:35 pm. i try to fend off his advances, but i swear he asked me to be his girlfriend today. i couldn't really understand what he said though, so maybe he said he likes it when 'earl bends.' or that he likes to wear 'depends.' you never know with these crazy kids! but somehow it's my job to entertain him. not because the bus driver wouldn't gladly call her son off of me, but because of my own soft spot (located inside, not on the top of my head like a newborn), my soft spot which would feel awfully guilty to leave the boy stranded like that and deny him my friendship. monday i finally let him play with my alien keychain which he's been coveting, so the alien fought my hand (and won in a startlingly brilliant defeat which i'm sure has transcended all historical precendents..) however, he lost to my pencil. he just wasn't sharp enough for the competition.
speaking of children....leslie and kenny's toddler hailie is adorable, but she needs to get off of my fucking man. seriously, she has a little girlie-crush on scott. as soon as he arrives, she screams scott scott scott and runs toward him. he lets her play with his cell phone, and she may abuse her privileges in that regard, but her love for him is built on stronger foundations than material possessions my friend. she'll cuddle up to him, her head resting on his breast, and begin rubbing his back! what the hell fuck!
oh, and steve. figured i should mention him to keep the proper tone of desperation here. but actually, i don't have too much to worry about right now. he was supposed to call earlier because he maybe could have taken me to the avenged sevenfold concert. he never called, and i attempted to reach him several times to no avail. i went up to chanellos today to meet up with azn brian today and david was there. he called me over to his car as he was leaving and asked if i wanted some bud. he let me have the rest of his baggie on my word to pay him back, and i thanked him graciously. he said love ya as he pulled off which makes me wonder what kind of games that silly fuck is playing. he's so cute. he thinks he's cool but he really is not. | | |
| i know what beauty is, but my perception of it is slightly askew from the norm, and thus is only my opinion. i know what's wrong with me but i have no official diagnosis. i'm quite an emotional person, but that's not the only difficulties i have in adjusting to peers. to 'hanging out' and having friends. it's pretending. pretending that the things they enjoy do not make me sick to my stomach. it's finding a niche. or more to the point, my constant search for people who, if they are not like me, to manipulate, to push my wares off onto. unsuspecting and such. so that they will become more like me. so that my in-jokes will be their in-jokes.
i have two type of in-jokes. the type that actually originally occurred with friends, and is derived from that, and the type that was formed from websites, tv shows, and movies that no one but myself, i believe, have ever seen.
it's odd, but the one person i've met who is the most similar to myself, (your humble narrator?) is matt. we not only shared the same sense of humour, but i rubbed off on him. i shared with him sonic youth, le tigre, weetzie bat....i shared the magic with him and he did not run away, but became more ensnared in my web. am i a mesmerizing person? enough to warrant my own sticky trap, my own glistening threads? i bet you had no idea of even the existence of such a web. i realize, yes, that no man is an island, but perhaps i'm so huge that others can't help but gravitate towards me. (fat-joke or explosively huge ego? which do you think?)
moving on, and closer, to the original point, if there indeed was one, is the fact that i am not simply emotional, but sensitive. i'd say that if i had to summarize it up in a precise scientific/psychological-sounding phrase, that i am "overly sensitive to external stimuli." even if that's misleading and not the case at all. i'll still be able to whip that out, and explain. it'll still sound like something other than me being a complete bitch. maybe a completely preposterous bullshitting bitch, but hey.
i can't watch violent action-oriented movies. i just can't. i'm anti-corporate, and the huge budget, and the special effects...why are they needed? i'll wonder. computer generated explosions are not cool. they're frightening. i wonder how much this movie cost to shoot? how much the actors were paid? for this. how many starving people could be fed...then the characters. can't relate. everything's so bloody and scripted. it's fake. the soundtrack is boombastic and manipulates the viewer's emotions. and all the violence is for nothing! i can't stand it. i freak out. see, i can't even explain myself. but it's something i don't wanna see. dave tried to convince me to watch sin city, because he said it was good, and he took offense to my explanation. how do i know i won't fucking like it if i don't watch it bitch? because ALL movies like that make me angry, and make me feel horribly alone in the world, and depressed, and upset for the state of man's soul, and the state of the country and the world itself. alright?
music. everyone i know is like, obsessed with bands like slipknot or saliva or whatever hard rock the radio's pushing nowadays. i can't get into it. much of it sounds so much like everything else. it's generic. and i think, this is all they listen to? this is all they know? i don't mind if it is, and i don't mind listening to it. not really. but that's part of why i couldn't adapt to having friends! because having that music blasted in my ear would fuck with my emotions. hard rock and metal and shit gives me a headache. well, not always, but yeah, when its at decibel level two hundred and thirty two it does. i'm better now because i've been subjected to it enough to know not to bitch. to know how to sit and take it for a little while, and actually not be hurt by it. i haven't been able to do this with movies yet.
i watched a clockwork orange for the second or third time the other day. that's violent. but it's also genius! it makes me feel slightly angry and lost but in the 'food for thought' sorta way. as a warning of a dystopian future sort of way. stanley kubrick. how can i hate on him? the movie is artistic, and what happens happens for a reason. it's gratuitous violence reveling in the fact that it's gratuitous violence..that's NOT gratuitous.
i think i'm becoming more open-minded though. and funny, curiousity kills this kitten. when something's on that i don't want to watch, i'm quite often drawn towards it regardless. if i dislike the story, sometimes, the cinematography and use of colors and whatnot can turn my eyes in the direction. over at dave's this weekend, i dealt with (not sin city, but) some anime flick, a batman cartoon movie (that i was able to tune out, thank goodness), some african-american flick with t-boz and excessive killings in it, and the breakfast club. i've seen that movie in bits and pieces, and don't like the feel-good tension of the stereotypical high school kids..but it wins one over. i find i'm a lot more responsive to mainstream movies as long as they have some form of humor in them. i was a bit apprehensive about watching seed of chucky at scott's brother's house the other week, but it ended up being fairly entertaining.
crazy chris never sleeps, so it was due to him that i saw those, minus the t-boz film, which some dude named justin had brought over. i think he said we needed some more black culture. whateva, yo, we got enough wiggers AND niggas droppin' by for always and forever. ricky, d, country, david, brandon...
anyway, i have lots more to write about, but that's enough for now. i have ethical issues to maybe bring up, concerning how crazy chris is treated, and how his delusions are tolerated and played along with from time to time..i have some poems that remind me of songs, and songs that remind me of boys...i have boys to type about, a relationship to type about...so until then, adieu. | | |
| i would be ready to give it all up. everything. dear lord, its not like i have much to give. i'd give it. gladly. for whatever. for anything. for everything.
if only i could stop dreaming of him.
i've been bpd'ing out. i have no idea why my true friends are. i just want someone i can tell everything to. i don't want to type it out. i want to spill it out. i don't want the knife and the cigarettes to be my only friends.
but at the same time i would avoid everyone too. for the chance with that one person. not even a chance. just to...console him. hear whats on his mind. make him happy.
i want to kill him. but i would be fine. really. if he could stop appearing in my dreams. | | |
| "Doing stuff is overrated. Like Hitler... he did a lot of stuff, but don't we all wish he would have just stayed home and gotten stoned?"
-steve (from the tao of steve)
i received an email earlier urging me to apply to northeastern university. i would, but i'm holding out for eastern state. | | |
| your grandmother...UP MY ASS! | | |
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